saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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