i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
