the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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