my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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