Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
