Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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