he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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