Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
