i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
