I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
