so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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