just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
