I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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