I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
