My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
