Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
