i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pants are for mortals
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
