sarcasm needs its own font
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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