First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
