I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
NoShamevember. You game?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
