if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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