By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
