In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
