He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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