just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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