you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
