he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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