so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
