What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
