We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
