Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
