Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
