I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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