Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
