Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
