It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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