I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Even my vagina gasped.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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