i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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