Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
