Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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