I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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