how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
