So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
