the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
