He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
