Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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