Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize