walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
