i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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