she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
